Pronouns: what they are, how to ask, and every common set
The words people use about you when you are not the one talking. Here is how they work, how to ask, and a page for each set.
What pronouns are
Pronouns are the short words that stand in for a name once everyone knows who you mean: she, him, their, xemself. In English the ones that carry gender are the third-person ones, which means they are mostly the words other people use about you.
Each set has a handful of forms that travel together, which is why an introduction can say she/her and trust you to work out hers and herself. The glossary explains pronoun sets in more detail.
Pronouns tell you how to refer to someone. They do not tell you someone's gender, history or body. A person who uses he might be a trans man, a non-binary person or a cis man, and the pronoun does not say which. It does not need to.
Pronoun sets
Why people share them
You cannot tell someone's pronouns by looking at them, which is the whole reason the habit exists. Saying yours when you introduce yourself means nobody has to guess, and when everyone in the room does it, nobody is singled out for doing it.
Sharing should stay an invitation. Someone who is questioning, not out at work, or simply not in the mood can skip it, and a good introduction round leaves room for that. University LGBTQ centres that write guidance for exactly this situation say the same thing: invite, never compel.
And it is pronouns, not preferred pronouns. GLAAD's reference guide points out that the qualifier made it sound as if cis people had pronouns while trans people had preferences.
How to ask
Offer yours, then ask: "I'm Robin, I use they/them. What about you?" If you have already been introduced: "What pronouns do you use?" That is the whole script. It is awkward for a second, and a wrong guess stays awkward for much longer.
Ask once and then remember. If you forget, "Can you remind me of your pronouns?" is fine, and far better than dodging pronouns for the rest of the evening.
If you cannot ask yet, use the person's name. They/them is a common fallback and a good one for many people, but it is not neutral for everyone: in the 2025 Gender Census, a yearly online survey of people whose gender does not fit the binary, a quarter of respondents did not pick they.
When you get it wrong
You will, at some point. Correct the word and keep going: "she, sorry", then the rest of the sentence. A long apology turns your slip into their job. The glossary entry on misgendering covers why, and if you are the one being misgendered, this answer has words for the moment.
The sets, one page each
He/him: he, him, his, his, himself.
She/her: she, her, her, hers, herself.
They/them: they, them, their, theirs, themself or themselves, with plural verbs.
She/they and he/they: two sets, both right for the person.
Xe/xem: xe, xem, xyr, xyrs, xemself.
Ze/zir: ze, zir, zir, zirs, zirself.
Ze/hir: ze, hir, hir, hirs, hirself.
Fae/faer: fae, faer, faer, faers, faerself.
E/em (Spivak): e, em, eir, eirs, emself.
It/its: it, it, its, its, itself, and only for people who ask for it.
Any pronouns: more than one set is fine for this person.
No pronouns: use the name instead.
Beyond these there are many more neopronouns and xenopronouns in smaller circulation, and mirror pronouns, where you use for someone whatever you use for yourself.
How common each set is
The most detailed regular source we know of is the Gender Census, a survey open to anyone whose gender does not tidily fit the binary. In 2025, 43,096 people took part. They/them was chosen by 75.0%, he/him by 40.6%, she/her by 34.1% and it/its by 22.8%, and 14.4% chose to avoid pronouns and use their name. Among neopronouns on the list, xe/xem was picked by 8.8%, fae/faer by 6.2% and ze/zir by 5.7%. People could pick more than one.
Read those numbers as a snapshot of one crowd. The survey's author says plainly that respondents find it through social media and are overwhelmingly young and US-based. It tells you these sets are in real use. It does not tell you how common any of them is where you live.
Practise out loud
Knowing a set and saying it in a sentence are different skills. The pronoun practice page fills everyday sentences with a name and a set, so you can read them aloud until the new words stop catching.
Pronouns in other languages
English is unusually easy here, because gender mostly lives in the pronoun. In French, German, Spanish, Italian, Polish and Portuguese it also runs through articles, adjectives, nouns and, in Polish, past-tense verbs, so a neutral pronoun only fixes part of the sentence. Non-binary people have built their own answers: iel in French, which Le Robert's online dictionary added in 2021; neopronouns such as xier and dey in German, or simply the name; elle and -e endings in Spanish; the schwa (ə) in Italian; neuter forms and the novelist Jacek Dukaj's onu in Polish; elu and -e endings in Brazilian Portuguese. In most of these countries a language academy or a government has pushed back, and the forms are still being argued over.
Questions people ask
What are pronouns?
The short words used in place of a name, such as she, him or their. In English the third-person ones carry gender, which is why people share theirs.
How do I ask someone's pronouns?
Give yours, then ask: I use she/her, what about you? If you forget later, ask again rather than guessing.
Is it rude to ask?
No. Pushing is rude. Ask once, accept any answer including no answer, and use the person's name in the meantime.
Why do some people list two sets?
Because both are right for them, or because they use different ones in different places. Asking which they would like to hear more is always allowed.
Should I say preferred pronouns?
No. Pronouns is enough. The word preferred implies the alternative is also acceptable.