She/they pronouns: what they mean and how to use both
Both sets are right. How much of each is up to the person, and you are allowed to ask.
The forms
| Subject | she / they |
|---|---|
| Object | her / them |
| Possessive before a noun | her / their |
| Possessive on its own | hers / theirs |
| Reflexive | herself / themself or themselves |
In a sentence
- She is bringing the salad tonight.
- They are bringing the salad tonight.
- Lee said she would meet us at noon, but they have not arrived yet.
- I lent her my charger, and they gave it back the next day.
- The blue scarf on the hook is theirs.
What she/they usually means
Someone who writes she/they is telling you that both sets are right for them. Beyond that, people mean different things. Some are happy with either at any moment. Some use she at work and they with friends. Some like the one that matches how they are presenting that day. The pronouns alone do not tell you which, and you do not need to work it out by guessing.
She/they does not tell you someone's gender either. A person who uses it might describe themself as a woman, as non-binary, as both, or with no label at all. The pronouns tell you how to refer to them, and that is all they promise.
Alternating is not a rule
There is a common idea that you are supposed to switch between she and they, sentence by sentence. Some people like that. Plenty do not mind either way, and some would rather hear mostly one. There is no rule to learn here, only a person to ask.
The Gender Census, a large yearly survey of people outside the gender binary, once tried to ask how people with several sets want others to choose between them. It dropped the question because the answers were too individual to summarise. That may be the most useful fact about mixed pronouns there is.
How to ask
Once, simply: "Do you want me to mix she and they, or is either fine?" Or: "Is there one you'd like to hear more?" Most people with two sets have been asked before and have a short answer ready.
Until you have asked, using either set is using their pronouns. Saying she for a she/they person is not a slip. He would be.
If you slip
Correct it and carry on, as with any pronoun. The glossary entry on misgendering explains why the short fix is the kind one. For how sets combine in general, see pronoun set.
Questions people ask
What does she/they mean?
That both she/her and they/them are right for that person. Some want a mix, some are happy with either, some lean one way. Ask if it matters.
Do I have to switch between she and they?
No rule says so. Some people like a mix and some do not mind. If you want to get it right, ask.
Is it misgendering to only use she for a she/they person?
Using a set someone has given you is not misgendering. If they have said they would like to hear they as well, include it.
Does she/they mean someone is non-binary?
Not necessarily. People who use she/they describe their gender in many ways. The pronouns tell you how to refer to them, not what their gender is.