He/they pronouns: what they mean and how to use both
He and they are both right. The mix is the person's call, and one question settles it.
The forms
| Subject | he / they |
|---|---|
| Object | him / them |
| Possessive before a noun | his / their |
| Possessive on its own | his / theirs |
| Reflexive | himself / themself or themselves |
In a sentence
- He is driving tomorrow.
- They are driving tomorrow.
- Sam said he was tired, so we walked them home.
- I gave him the tickets, and they are sorting out the seats.
- That playlist is his. They made it last summer.
What he/they usually means
He/they says that both sets are right. That is the part you can count on. The rest varies from person to person: either at any time, one at work and the other among friends, or a mix they enjoy hearing.
It also leaves gender open. A person using he/they might be a trans man, non-binary, both, or someone who does not use a label. You do not need to know which to get the pronouns right.
Do you have to alternate?
No. Switching between he and they is something some people like and others do not care about. Nobody has written a rule, because there is not one: when the Gender Census tried to survey how people with several sets want others to choose, the answers were too individual to report.
If it matters to you to get it right, ask once: "Do you like a mix, or is either fine?"
Keeping it clear
Mixing two sets in one sentence is grammatical and sometimes a little harder to follow, especially when they could also mean a group. Where that happens, use the name. Clear is kind.
If you slip
Using he or they is not a slip for a he/they person. She would be, and the fix is the usual one: correct it, keep going. More in misgendering.
Questions people ask
What does he/they mean?
That both he/him and they/them are right for that person. Whether they want a mix or do not mind is theirs to say.
Should I alternate he and they?
Only if the person wants that. Many are happy with either. Ask once if you are unsure.
Is it okay to use only they for a he/they person?
Yes, they is one of their pronouns. If they have told you they would like to hear he as well, include it.
What if I mix he and they in the same sentence?
Both are right, so nothing is wrong. If the sentence gets confusing, use their name.