Misgendering
Referring to someone as a gender that isn't theirs.
To misgender someone is to refer to them as a gender that is not theirs: the wrong pronoun, sir or madam, a gendered word applied to someone it does not fit.
It happens by accident constantly, particularly from people who knew someone before, and from anyone tired or distracted. The accident is not the issue. What follows it is.
The repair is short. Correct the word, keep talking. Sorry, she, and then the rest of the sentence. That is the whole of it, and it works because it treats the slip as a slip rather than an event.
The version that does damage is the long apology. Explaining how difficult you find it, how long you have known them, how you are really trying, turns your mistake into their task: now they have to reassure you. Most trans people would rather be misgendered briefly than comforted at length about it.
Deliberate misgendering is a different act wearing the same clothes. Repeated after correction, or aimed at someone in front of others, it is a way of saying their account of themselves does not count. Everyone present understands this, including the person who does it.
The cumulative weight is the part outsiders underestimate. Any single instance is minor. Twenty in a week, from people who know better, is a steady message about how much your word is worth, and that is what people are describing when they say it wears them down.
The correction matters more than the mistake
People treat misgendering as a question of whether they got it right, and mostly it is a question of what they do in the next three seconds. A quick fix and a continued sentence costs nothing. A pause, a wince and a speech makes the moment about the speaker.
The second thing people get wrong is who is responsible for smoothing it over. After a long apology the trans person almost always ends up saying it is fine, do not worry, which is them doing the work. Skipping the apology and simply using the right word skips that entirely.
Saying it well
Say this
- Sorry, she. (then continue immediately)
- They, sorry. Anyway, as I was saying...
- Actually he uses they now.
- Correcting someone else quietly, without making a scene of it
Not this
- I am so sorry, I have known you for years, this is so hard for me
- It is just a slip, you know what I meant
- Using the wrong pronoun after being corrected
- Making the person reassure you that it is fine
Questions people actually ask
What does misgender mean?
To refer to someone as a gender that is not theirs, through pronouns, titles or gendered words.
What should I do if I misgender someone?
Correct the word and keep going. Sorry, she, then finish your sentence. Anything longer makes the other person manage your feelings.
Is misgendering always deliberate?
No. Most of it is accidental, especially from people who knew someone before. Deliberate misgendering, repeated after correction, is a different act.
Why is it such a big deal if it was an accident?
Any single instance is small. The weight comes from repetition, and from what it signals when it keeps happening among people who know better.
Should I correct someone else who misgenders a person?
Usually yes, briefly and without making a scene. It takes the burden off the person being misgendered, which is the point.
What can I do if a match misgenders me?
Correct it once, plainly, and watch what happens next. Someone who slipped fixes it and moves on; someone who keeps doing it after a correction is telling you something. What to do when a match misgenders you goes through it step by step.