He/him lesbian
A lesbian who uses he/him pronouns, as a matter of expression rather than a claim to be a man.
A he/him lesbian is a lesbian who uses he/him pronouns. The pronouns are part of that person's gender expression, the way clothes or a name can be. They are not a statement that the person is a man.
People who use the term describe it in several ways. Some are women who feel a distance from womanhood that he expresses better than she. Some are nonbinary. Some are [[butch|butch]] and find masculine pronouns fit the rest of how they live. The common thread is that lesbian still describes their attraction and their community.
Supporters point out that playing with pronouns is not new in queer life: lesbians and gay men have long used he and she about themselves and each other to push against what was expected of them. A flag for he/him lesbians was posted on Tumblr in 2018.
It is also genuinely contested, from more than one direction. Some trans men say the term is disrespectful to them and blurs what it means to be a man who uses he. Some lesbians argue that lesbian means women, and that the term dilutes it or romanticises a past in which some women used he/him to avoid persecution. People who use it answer that pronouns and gender are not the same thing, and that the people it describes exist whether or not the word is tidy.
On a date, the practical part is simpler than the argument. If someone tells you he is a he/him lesbian, use he, take lesbian at face value, and do not ask him to pick one. For how to handle a slip, see what to do when a match misgenders you.
A he/him lesbian is not a trans man by another name
The pronoun makes people assume a gender, and he/him lesbians are regularly told they must really be trans men. Whether anyone's words change over time is theirs to work out. The pronoun does not predict it, and it is not yours to decide.
The debate about the term is real, and it belongs to the people with a stake in it. Using it as a reason to question a match's pronouns is not taking part in that debate.
Saying it well
Say this
- I am a he/him lesbian.
- He/him, and a lesbian.
- Butch, he/him, lesbian.
- Use he. And yes, lesbian.
Not this
- So you are a trans man
- Then you cannot be a lesbian
- Using she because you think it suits him better
- Pick one
Questions people actually ask
What is a he/him lesbian?
A lesbian who uses he/him pronouns. The pronouns express something about gender without meaning the person is a man.
Is a he/him lesbian a trans man?
Not necessarily. He/him lesbians describe themselves as women, nonbinary, or not aligned with either, and lesbian still describes their attraction.
Why is the term controversial?
Some trans men feel it is disrespectful to their experience, and some lesbians argue lesbian should mean women. People who use it reply that pronouns do not equal gender.
Which pronouns do I use for a he/him lesbian?
He and him. The name of the identity tells you.