National Coming Out Day: its history and what it means

National Coming Out Day falls on 11 October. It was built on a simple bet: that people change their minds about LGBTQ+ people once they realise they already know and love some. For trans and non-binary people the idea still has force, with footnotes that matter.

Where it comes from

It starts with a march. On 11 October 1987, the second National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights brought about half a million people to the capital, by the Human Rights Campaign's count.

Four months later, more than 100 activists met in Warrenton, Virginia. The Human Rights Campaign's account says they felt the community too often reacted defensively to attacks, and wanted a day to celebrate coming out instead. They chose the anniversary of the march.

The idea is credited to two people. Robert Eichberg was a psychologist who in 1978 had founded The Experience, a workshop that encouraged people to come out to family and friends, and who wrote a book called Coming Out: An Act of Love. Jean O'Leary, an activist who grew up in Cleveland, was then running National Gay Rights Advocates.

How it spread

The first National Coming Out Day was held on 11 October 1988, with participation from eighteen states. The artist Keith Haring gave it its logo, a figure dancing out of a closet. By 1990, according to the Ohio History Connection, all fifty states and seven other countries took part.

The Human Rights Campaign later took over the organisation, in 1993 according to the same source, after National Gay Rights Advocates closed down; other accounts date the link with the Human Rights Campaign to 1990. For fifteen years it gave each year a theme, from Come Out to Congress in 1999 to Coming Out Still Matters in 2013 and 2014. Robert Eichberg died in 1995.

The day is American, but it travelled. In Ireland in 2013 it was marked with events across the country, and a trans advocate quoted that day said raising awareness of trans identities was exactly why initiatives like it mattered. In London, the Evening Standard marked it in 2017. Both kept the same date, 11 October.

For trans people, coming out is not one day

The day imagines [[coming-out|coming out]] as a moment. For many trans people it is closer to a habit you did not ask for: a new job, a new doctor, a landlord, a date, a colleague who knew you before. Each one is a fresh decision about whether to say anything at all.

It also comes in two parts that get mixed up. Telling someone you are trans is one conversation. Telling them your name, your pronouns, or that you are a woman, a man or non-binary is another, and it is often the harder one, because it asks them to update something they thought they knew.

For non-binary people there is often a third layer: explaining the word itself. You get to decide how much explaining you do. "I'm non-binary, I use they/them" is a complete sentence. If you are not sure whether the word trans includes you, is non-binary trans? is a good place to start.

Nobody owes it

A day built around visibility can make not coming out look like failure. It is not. Choosing not to tell people, at work, in your family, or anywhere at all, is a legitimate way to live, and it has its own name: [[stealth|stealth]].

This criticism is not new. On National Coming Out Day in 2013, the writer Preston Mitchum argued in The Atlantic that focusing so hard on coming out puts the burden on individuals to brave a hostile world, instead of on society to make that world safe. He listed the reasons people stay in: physical danger, financial consequences and the lack of a safety net. And he wrote that no one should be forced to come out.

If you are wondering whether you have to tell a particular person, do I have to tell someone I'm trans? goes through the question case by case.

Safety first

If you are thinking about coming out, the date on the calendar matters much less than your situation. A few questions are worth answering first:

• Do you depend on the person you are telling, for money, housing, immigration status or care? If so, have a backup plan before the conversation, not after.
• Who is likely to take it well? Starting with one safe person can help, because they can then be there for the harder conversations.
• Who will they tell? Once you have told someone, you cannot control where it goes. It is fair to ask them not to pass it on, and fair to wait until you trust them to respect that.
• Is the place you live safe for this? Laws and attitudes differ a great deal from one country, and one town, to the next.

How to come out as trans covers the practical side, from choosing the moment to handling questions. And if someone took the decision away from you and told people without your consent, that is [[outing|outing]], it is not your fault, and what to do if you've been outed is there for it.

Marking it without coming out

You can keep the day without saying a word about yourself. Check in on a friend who came out recently, or who has not and is carrying that. Thank someone who was there when you told them. Or learn one piece of the day's history and pass it on.

One small thing is different on a trans-only space like T4TSpace: everyone you meet there is trans or non-binary, so that particular conversation is one you can skip.