Xenogender
A gender described through something other than manhood or womanhood.
A xenogender is a gender described through something other than the usual reference points of man, woman or masculine and feminine. The description reaches for an image, a texture, a colour or a concept instead.
Xeno is Greek for foreign or strange, and it names what the words have in common: they sit outside the standard frame rather than at some position inside it.
The reasoning is straightforward once stated. If someone's gender genuinely has no relation to man or woman, then describing it in terms of those two produces a distance from something rather than a description of the thing. Reaching for a different vocabulary is an attempt to say what it is instead of what it is not.
The terms sound odd from outside and that is largely the point. Someone describing their gender as closer to a particular colour, or to the feeling of a library, is not comparing themselves to an object. They are using metaphor because the literal vocabulary has nothing suitable in it, which is what people do with any experience the language was not built for.
They are strongly associated with autistic people, who describe and write about them more than anyone else. That association is worth stating plainly rather than treating as an accusation: many autistic people experience gender in ways the standard social frame does not capture well, and reach for a vocabulary that does.
Very few people use them, and they attract an amount of mockery entirely out of proportion to that. If someone tells you their gender is a xenogender, the useful response is the same as for anything else here: use their pronouns and take them at their word.
Xenogenders are metaphors, not claims to be objects
The standard mockery treats these as people announcing they are literally a cat or a star. That is not what is being said. It is metaphor doing the work that literal description cannot, the same move as saying a piece of music is warm, and nobody demands a thermometer for that.
The second misreading is that xenogenders are a competing system to nonbinary. They sit under it. Someone with a xenogender is nonbinary, and is describing their particular version through different reference points than the usual ones.
Saying it well
Say this
- My gender is a xenogender.
- The closest I can get is a colour, not a direction.
- It is under the nonbinary umbrella.
- They/them, and I would rather not explain further.
Not this
- So you think you are literally a cat
- This is why people do not take nonbinary seriously
- Demanding an explanation before using someone's pronouns
- Treating it as evidence that the whole vocabulary is a joke
Questions people actually ask
What is a xenogender?
A gender described through reference points other than man, woman, masculine or feminine, often through an image, texture or concept.
Are xenogenders real?
They describe real experiences of people whose gender does not relate to the usual categories. Whether the vocabulary appeals to you is separate from whether the experience exists.
Do xenogender people think they are animals or objects?
No. The terms are metaphors, used because literal description has nothing suitable in it. The same move as calling a colour warm.
Are xenogenders nonbinary?
Yes. They sit under the nonbinary umbrella and describe a particular version of being outside the binary.
Why are they associated with autistic people?
Because many autistic people experience gender in ways the standard social frame captures poorly, and have written most about this vocabulary. It is a description of who uses it, not a criticism.