Solo polyamory
Being polyamorous without having, or necessarily wanting, a primary or nesting partner.
Solo polyamory, or solo poly, describes someone who is [[polyamory|polyamorous]] without having, or necessarily wanting, a primary or nesting-style partner. A solo poly person may have several partners, one, or none at a given moment, and is still solo poly.
It is sometimes summed up as being your own primary partner. The person's own autonomy is the anchor, and each relationship is built around it rather than around a couple.
The journalist Amy Gahran wrote about it for years on the SoloPoly blog, started in 2012 under the pen name Aggie Sez, and in 2017 published the book Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator. The relationship escalator is her phrase for the default script in which a relationship is expected to climb step by step from dating toward marriage.
Solo poly is not the same as single, and it is not a lack of commitment. Gahran describes being in committed relationships while still considering herself a free agent. What solo poly people decline is the escalator, not the commitment.
Her original complaint is worth keeping in mind if you are part of a couple: most polyamory advice, she wrote, was written by or for established couples, and partners outside the couple were rarely heard.
Solo poly is not a polite word for avoiding commitment
Because it sets aside the usual markers of a serious relationship, it is read as a refusal to take anyone seriously. The commitment is real; it is just not organised around moving in and merging lives.
It is also not a waiting room. Solo poly means not necessarily wanting a primary partner, so dating someone solo as if they will eventually become one is a misunderstanding worth clearing up early.
Saying it well
Say this
- I am solo poly.
- Solo poly: two partners, my own place, no plans to merge.
- I am my own primary.
- Committed, just not on the escalator.
Not this
- So you are just single
- You will settle down eventually
- So none of your partners matter
- You just have not found the one
Questions people actually ask
What is solo polyamory?
Being polyamorous without having, or necessarily wanting, a primary or nesting partner.
Can solo poly people have partners?
Yes. A solo poly person may have several partners, one or none, and can be committed to them.
Is solo polyamory the same as being single?
No. It describes how someone structures relationships, not whether they currently have any.
What is the relationship escalator?
A phrase used by Amy Gahran for the default expectation that a relationship moves step by step from dating toward exclusivity, engagement, marriage and children.