Polyamory
Having more than one romantic relationship, with everyone's knowledge and consent.
Polyamory is having, or being open to having, more than one romantic relationship at a time, with everyone involved knowing and agreeing. The consent is the whole of the definition: without it, it is not polyamory, it is cheating.
It takes many shapes. Hierarchical polyamory ranks relationships, with a primary partner and others; non-hierarchical does not; relationship anarchy declines to rank any relationship, romantic or not, against the others.
It is not the same as being open, which usually means one couple with agreed sexual freedom outside it. Polyamory concerns romantic relationships and is not defined by what a couple permits.
It appears here because it is common in trans communities and because a dating profile that says poly is stating a structure, not an appetite. The second reading is the one that causes trouble.
Polyamory without consent is just cheating
The word is occasionally used to relabel something everyone involved has not agreed to, which is the one thing the definition rules out.
The distinguishing feature is not the number of people. It is that everyone knows the shape of what they are in and has agreed to it.
Saying it well
Say this
- I am polyamorous.
- Two partners, both of whom know each other.
- Non-hierarchical, so nobody is the primary.
- Poly is a structure, not an appetite.
Not this
- So you will sleep with anyone
- That is just cheating with permission
- So you cannot commit
- Your partner must be miserable
Questions people actually ask
What is polyamory?
Having more than one romantic relationship at a time, with everyone's knowledge and consent.
Is polyamory the same as an open relationship?
Not quite. Open usually means one couple with agreed sexual freedom; polyamory concerns multiple romantic relationships.
Is polyamory cheating?
No. Cheating is the absence of consent, which is exactly what polyamory requires.
What is hierarchical polyamory?
A structure where relationships are ranked, often with a primary partner, as opposed to non-hierarchical.