Parallel polyamory
A style of polyamory where each relationship runs separately and metamours need not meet.
Parallel polyamory is a style of [[polyamory|polyamory]] in which each relationship runs largely on its own. Partners know the other relationships exist, but they do not expect to meet their [[metamour|metamours]] or to hear the details of those relationships.
It is usually set against [[kitchen-table-polyamory|kitchen table polyamory]], where the whole network spends time together. Both terms are defined differently by different people, and many relationships sit somewhere in the middle, so it is worth asking what someone means when they use either.
Parallel is not the same as secret. It is distinct from a don't ask, don't tell arrangement: everyone knows the other relationships are there, and nothing is being hidden. It does not imply a hierarchy either. Separate is not the same as secondary.
People choose it for different reasons: clearer boundaries, more room inside each relationship, or simply not wanting every partner folded into one family-like network.
It often gets treated as the lesser option, with kitchen table presented as the healthy way to do polyamory. Laura Boyle of Ready For Polyamory argues that both styles have healthy and harmful examples at every level. Parallel is a preference, not a failure to get along.
Parallel polyamory is not keeping secrets
Because partners do not meet, people assume the relationships are hidden from each other. In parallel polyamory everyone knows; they have simply agreed, or prefer, not to be involved in each other's relationships.
It is also not a sign that metamours dislike each other. Some may even be close. There is just no requirement for it.
Saying it well
Say this
- We are parallel poly.
- My partners know about each other; they just do not hang out.
- Parallel, by preference.
- Somewhere between parallel and kitchen table.
Not this
- So your partners do not know about each other
- Parallel means you are hiding something
- You would all be happier if you met
- So one of them is the secondary
Questions people actually ask
What is parallel polyamory?
A style of polyamory where each relationship is kept largely separate, and partners do not expect to meet or know the details of each other's relationships.
What is the difference between parallel and kitchen table polyamory?
In kitchen table polyamory the network spends time together. In parallel polyamory relationships stay separate. Many people sit between the two.
Is parallel polyamory the same as don't ask, don't tell?
No. In parallel polyamory everyone knows the other relationships exist. Nothing is hidden; the relationships are just kept apart.
Is parallel polyamory less healthy than kitchen table?
No. Both styles can be done well or badly. It is a preference about structure.