Demisexual
Sexual attraction that only appears after a real emotional bond has formed.
Demisexual describes someone who only feels sexual attraction after an emotional bond has formed. Not a preference for knowing someone first, and not a decision to wait: the attraction is simply not there until the connection is.
The distinction that matters is between attraction and behaviour. Plenty of people choose to wait, and that is a decision about what they do. A demisexual person is describing what they feel, or rather what they do not feel yet. Someone can be demisexual and have casual sex; the sex was just not preceded by the attraction most people assume comes first.
It sits on the asexual spectrum, between asexual and allosexual, which is a source of constant argument and not a very useful one. The point of the word is not where it ranks on a scale. It is that it names an experience people kept describing as being broken.
The bond required is not romance and not love. It is usually described as knowing someone properly: enough time, enough trust, enough of a picture of who they are. Friends often become the people demisexual folk are attracted to, which is why the word so often arrives alongside the realisation that this has always been the pattern.
For anyone dating, it explains something practical. Apps built on a photograph and a snap judgement are asking demisexual people a question they cannot answer yet, which is why so many describe the first few weeks as guesswork.
Demisexual is not a rule someone has decided to follow
It is often heard as a policy: no sex until a certain point, held to on principle. That reading turns a description of attraction into a description of discipline, and it is why demisexual people get told that everyone is a bit like that.
Everyone is not. Most people feel some degree of sexual attraction to strangers, and choose what to do about it. A demisexual person is reporting the absence of that first step, not a decision about the second one.
Saying it well
Say this
- I am demisexual.
- Attraction shows up for me once I actually know someone.
- Demisexual, so the first few dates are me finding out rather than deciding.
- It is not that I am waiting. It is that there is nothing to act on yet.
Not this
- So you are just picky
- That is how everyone works
- So you are religious about it
- Demisexual is just a word for having standards
Questions people actually ask
What does demisexual mean?
Feeling sexual attraction only after an emotional bond has formed. It describes what someone feels, not a rule they follow.
Is demisexual the same as taking things slow?
No. Taking things slow is a decision about behaviour. Demisexual describes attraction that is not present yet, whatever someone decides to do.
Is demisexual part of the asexual spectrum?
Yes, it sits between asexual and allosexual. Where exactly is argued about and is not really the point of the word.
Can demisexual people have casual sex?
Yes. The word describes when attraction appears, not what anyone chooses to do.
What is the difference between demisexual and demiromantic?
Demisexual is about sexual attraction, demiromantic about romantic attraction. A person can be either, both or neither.