Chosen family
The family you build: people who are not related to you and show up the way family should.
Chosen family, also called found family, is the family you build rather than the one you were born into: friends, partners and others who are not related to you and who give the care and support family is supposed to give. The bond is chosen, and it is not lesser for that.
It runs deep in queer and trans life. Many LGBTQ+ people are rejected, or kept at a distance, by the families they grew up in after [[coming-out|coming out]], and chosen family often fills the role those families left empty. Research suggests that when support from a family of origin is missing, chosen family can help people stay resilient.
The idea has been studied for decades. Kath Weston's Families We Choose, published in 1991, drew on fieldwork and interviews with lesbians and gay men building their own kinship out of love, friendship and biology, and its publisher describes it as the first book to analyse that practice.
Chosen family does not always replace a family of origin. It can run alongside a supportive one, or be the only family someone has.
If you are building yours, making trans friends and finding a trans support group are good places to start.
Chosen family is not a consolation prize
It is sometimes described as what people make do with when their real family fails them. For many people it is simply their family, with no qualifier needed, and the people in it are as real as anyone related by blood.
It is also not only for people who have been rejected. Someone with a loving family of origin can have a chosen family too.
Saying it well
Say this
- She is my chosen family.
- My chosen family is coming for the holidays.
- Found family: the people who stayed.
- My parents and my chosen family, both.
Not this
- But who is your real family?
- So they are just friends
- You will make up with your parents eventually
- It is sad you do not have a proper family
Questions people actually ask
What is chosen family?
People who are not related to you but whom you treat, and who treat you, as family.
Why is chosen family important to LGBTQ+ people?
Many LGBTQ+ people face rejection from the families they grew up in, and chosen family provides the support that is missing.
Is found family the same as chosen family?
Yes. Found family and family of choice are other names for the same thing.
Where does the idea of chosen family come from?
One of the first books to analyse it was Kath Weston's Families We Choose, published in 1991.